Fallen off the wagon

I have become complacent lately, with the horrible weather causing my body to ache so much so that working out is the last thing I want to do. But, it looks as if Spring has finally arrived in Nova Scotia and I can get out for a walk each day. I am looking forward to the beautiful glden sun beating down on me.

I have also recently had a birthday. Thirty nine this year, not quite certain how I got to this age but 39 I am. I didn’t do any thing special, went to the grocery store and had chicken for supper, truly nothing exciting. But, I did realize that my age has truly nothing to do with my actual age. There are days when I feel closer to 90 than I do 40.

My body feels like it is breaking down bit by bit. I am hoping that once I get back into my routine of walking and working out, that I will start to feel better. Now that the good weather is here, I will be able to get out and just walk. Walk until I feel like I am going to fall down and then turn around and come home.

I also need to get back to a good eating routine, instead of eating only at supper time and then having popcorn later on. It is very difficult for me to eat since I have troubles with swallowing food but, that is a topic I already covered in a previous post.

Goal Setting

I have spent the last few days trying to come up with a good topic to blog about and I have decided that goal setting is the one I want to talk about today. It is important that when you are working on changing your lifestyle, trying to be healthier and even losing weight, that you set goals.  They need to be realistic and attainable.  For me, I have a few important goals that I have set.

My first, and most important goal that I set was quitting smoking.  I have heard many people say “oh it is easy to quit smoking, just don’t buy any.”  Great advice but most of those people do not smoke, therefore do not understand how hard it is to quit.  It is a physical and mental addiction.  The chemicals change the way your brain works, so your brain is constantly screaming “I NEED NICOTINE”.  The first week of not smoking is pure, unadulterated hell.  It is like having the flu but a thousand times worse.  I am at day 14 except for 1 week ago I had 2 cigarettes.  Why, I have no idea because I was doing okay without smoking.  I will beat this addiction.  It is a choice that I do not purchase cigarettes, it is my choice not to smoke, it is my choice to go through hell to get rid of this addiction.

My second goal is to get my weight down to 299.  A lot of people would not be surprised to learn that I weight 320 lbs.  It is one ugly number.  I just gave up when I hit the 300 mark.  I just didn’t care any longer.  Only those that are obese like I am, were willing to spend time with me, be seen with me in public and even then it was at a buffet for lunch.  I weighed 342 lbs at my absolute heaviest and now I am fighting back.  I will get down to 299.  That is my first weight loss goal and I want to accomplish it by September 1st, 2014.

My third goal, my second weight loss goal, is to get down to 250 lbs.  This goal is important, or more important than the first weight loss goal.  It is the goal that I will reach and purchase new clothing.  Maybe a nice pair of jeans to show off my ass.  A new dress and high heels.  Anything to show that I have reached a goal that I did not think I would ever see again.  This goal is to be met by December 31st 2014.  Chances are that once I have the weight loss surgery this goal will be met way before then but it is a realistic enough goal that I know I can and will reach it. 

My fourth goal, third weight loss goal, is to get down to 199 lbs.  What a day that will be.  I will celebrate with having a tea party with my closest friends, and only those close friends that have been my support system throughout this changes I am, will and have made.  I look forward to this day.  It will be a day no one will ever forget.  Again, this goal I want to attain by my birthday, April 8th, 2015.

I have done this blog entry because it is important for people to know what my goals, by having them put on “paper”, I am being held accountable for everything I do to meet these goals.  I am well on my way to reaching two of the goals.  Quitting smoking, and my first weight loss goal.  What a great moment in my life it will be when I reach each of these goals.  I look forward to seeing people who have not seen me in a long time, actually see me and know that I have made changes and am doing everything in my power to make these changes permanent.

Battling the Mental Part of Addictions

I have mentioned many times that I am fighting my addictions, carbs, nicotine, artificial sweetener, caffeine.  Take your pick, they are all my addictions, my crutches,my go to emotional and mental fixes.  When I am happy, when I am sad, I go for a plate of toast, I reach for my biggest mug and make a huge cup of tea or coffee with sweetener, I smoke cigarettes.   I am an addict.

I am fighting the mental part of my addictions right now.  The physical part is easy because as long as I don’t have carbs or cigarettes or caffeinated beverages or sweetener in the cupboard/fridge, I can’t eat, drink or smoke them.  The physical part is so much harder to deal with.  Lying in bed, reading and I roll over, reach out to grab a smoke and realize there are none there.  I wake up in the morning, yawning and needing a quick hit of caffeine, open the cupboard and there is nothing there except for decaf or no caffeine beverages. 

My mind keeps playing tricks on me, telling me I need bread, I need a cigarette, I need a tea or coffee, I need sweetness.  My body is telling me, “Damn it, NO.  You are no longer using those as crutches.  Go for a walk, have a glass of ice water. Do something besides breaking down and having that.”.  So far, I have been able to fight back and not give in.  However, to be totally honest, which I always strive to be, I did break down and have a couple of cigarettes the other day.  But, being strong, I did NOT buy any yesterday or today when I had money in my pocket.  

I look forward to the day when I can say that I no longer have any active addictions or crutches to deal with emotional and mental issues, whether they are good or bad.  One day, I will stand and say with a strong voice “Hi, my name is Elizabeth.  I have fought hard from being super obese to what I am today. I have fought my addictions and I no longer use caffeine, nicotine, carbs or sweetener to handle my emotions or mental breakdowns.”  Oh what a wonderful day that will be.


Midnight Cravings and Other Mundane Things

It has been a week since I last had a taste of nicotine and last night the cravings were bad.  I tried the tried and true method of eating carrots sticks and drinking ice cold water but to no avail.  I then decided I would have a can of tomato soup with crackers and that seemed to do the trick.  Unfortunately, I ended up having a simple carbohydrate, which I have been avoiding for nearly 2 months. Today my goal is to find good, healthy alternatives to simple carbs and nicotine to get me through the worst of the worst cravings.

It is a gorgeous, sunny day here in The Annapolis Valley, in Nova Scotia.  The sun is high and shining, but it deceives even the most experienced of our citizens.  It is a cold morning.  I went for a walk nearly an hour ago and the temperature was a balmy -10 C, but feels more like -15 C with the wind chill.  It is still a nice day out, the calm before the storm.  I will have to get up early again tomorrow morning to get out for a walk, if I can.  If I can’t, then I will shovel my walkway, since we are on the verge of yet another Wednesday blizzard. I don’t know about you, but I am pretty damn sick and tired of snow.

Well, time to get some work done around here.  Until next time, think of a way to kill those midnight cravings.  There must be a healthy way of going about it without having to always eat carrot sticks.  Ciao.



Spring has almost sprung

It has been a long and very brutal Winter here in Nova Scotia, heck in Canada.  It seemed that we got a snow storm every Wednesday for 3 solid months, but it wasn’t quite that long.  I shoveled my walk way every few days, whereas last year, I shoveled it maybe 4 times the whole Winter season.  My point is is that I got a lot of exercise because of the snow.

Now that Spring has nearly sprung, I will be getting out every day for a walk, no matter the weather.  I will walk each day shortly after I have my supper and hopefully walk for half an hour or longer.  I am still on track with my new lifestyle, no nicotine, no alcohol, no pot, and just a cup or two of tea on those days where I need a little bit of pick me up.

I started this entry a few days ago and am now just getting around to finishing it.

I have many goals set, one being getting down to 250 lbs and I will buy myself an elliptical machine and when I get below 200 lbs I will buy a whole new wardrobe. But the biggest goal for me is to get to my pre insulin weight of 175. It seems like a pipe dream right now but I have started the journey to reaching those goals. Maybe in 2 years I will be down to my pre insulin days. I am looking forward to that day.

There are a lot of stops on my journey to being 175 lbs, I Know I will stumble and fall, I will slide backwards, but as long as I keep my eye on the ball, I will win. I will win this battle of obesity. I would like to one day be able to say “I was once obese, but now, I am healthy, fit and love my life.” Powerful words but have so much meaning to me. I hope that when that day comes, that there will be people like me, now, can look up to me as inspiration.

PS: Today is day six without a cigarette… I had a bad craving over the weekend but I was able to get through it with carrot sticks and ice water…

Under the Weather

I haven’t been updating as I have been feeling under the weather, plus withdrawal is part of the issue as well.  I have colitis, which is an inflammatory bowel disease and there are certain food triggers that I avoid to not have a flare up.  Unfortunately I think my chicken was not completely cooked yesterday, cooked until almost black is my normal cooked level, and now I am suffering the wonderful symptoms of a flare up.

I am going to go for a walk here shortly and hopefully  by the time I get home, I will be feeling some what better.

Until next time, maybe you can find a food or foods that bother you.  Make a list, eliminate them from your diet for a period of 30 days and then slowly introduce them again to see if they are truly trigger foods or just something you cannot tolerate,  i.e. milk and milk products.

WOW just WOW

I had an all important meeting with the nurse who is part of the weight loss surgery team at the    QE 2 in Halifax.  I knew I had some changes in my body but nothing like I actually have.  I have lost 23 pounds since October and brought my BMI down from 60.1 to 57.3.  Both accomplishments are beyond the requirements set out for the surgery team to take me seriously enough to give me one more tool in my fight to be healthier, the surgical procedure gastric sleeve.

I have spent 9 long years thinking about this, trying to lose weight on my own, but until recently I did not own the reasons why I am obese.  I am obese because I am an emotional eater, starchy, salty foods are my downfall.  Right now, I have none in the house, so I am not tempted to eat them but the craving is there.   I know that it would take less than a slice of bread for me to fall back into the bad habits of a life time. But, I am stronger than my my addiction and I will win the war, not just the battle.

My blood work results from last week compared to the end of January was even better.  My    Hgb A1C (how much sugar remains in my blood cells over a 3 month period) was a lot better than it was in January.

 It was simply a great day all around.  I am looking forward to the future and the next phase of my life, a cigarette free, healthier me.

So much going on inside my head

Finally the day has arrived for me to find out when my WLS will be.  I am so excited, nervous, but mostly proud for making all of the changes in my lifestyle that I have.  I want to write so much about my life here but no words can come to mind.   I am just excited.

 I have made so many changes.  I have quit drinking caffeine, quit smoking *day 7*, no more alcohol and no more weed.  I have added physical activity to my daily life and I get plenty of sleep now.  I am so proud of myself. I still have issues when looking at myself in a mirror.

The issue of hating myself deep down inside is something I will battle for a long time, but I am learning that I can love me and that I am worthy of love. For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to the future and how I will love myself.  I just wish Mom was here to see my transformation. I know she’d be proud of me.

The grief I still feel at Mom passing away so young is also something else I deal with but it doesn’t make me hate myself.  It makes me love God more because He needed Mom more than we on Earth did. 

There are so many things going around in my head right now.  I can’t stick to just one topic so maybe I should change the title of this entry from “More excited than a kid in a candy store with an unlimited budget” to “Too many things going on in my head”… :) Yes I do believe I will.

I think I am finally out of things to think and write about… I guess only time will tell… For now, it is time for some lunch.  Until next time, take care of yourself.