A Long Three and a Half Weeks!!

What a long and painful nearly four weeks. I either slipped a disk in my back or had a bulge occur, which caused three of the most painful weeks of my life. Sciatica!

I have not been able to workout, go for a walk or do anything that reqiured use of my right leg. Just this past Saturday, I finally felt well and strong enough to go for a walk. What a glorious 15 minutes. The sun high in the sky, my leg not hurting and I could breathe deeply.

Today is about getting some housework dobe, unpqcking my apartment as it was under renovation during the last two weeks. Tomorrow I am going to hit my gazelle running.

I hope you all have had a better month than I have. Ciao for now.

Slaying My Personal Dragon

We all have our own personal dragons that neec slaying. For me, it is my depression. There re days where just getting out of bed requires every ounce of fortitude that I have. All I want to do is sleep and hide from the world. When those days arrive, I don’t email or call anyone. I don’t do my workouts, I don’t pay attention to my diet. I do everything I can to sabotage the successes I have worked hard for.

Since giving up my smokng habit, I have found it harder and harder to fight my depression.  My go-to for when I just want to hide away is now no longer my crutch. Finding a different, healthier, satisfying habit is difficult. I have tried carrots, apples, anything that keeps my mouth occupiex but still nothing that gives me quite the same sensation.

Each day, I wake up, hoping that it will be the day that I don’t want a cigarette, but after79 days, I still find it difficult. All I can do, is keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on.

Will I ever love exercise?

I have an aversion to exercise. I hate the pain after each workout, even if I do take pain meds before hand, I hate being sweaty, even if ut is for a good reason. I keep being told that one day I will enjoy working out, that I will crave it.

I am sceptical at this point, but I am going to set a goal and if I can meet the goal, I will treat myself to something I want, which is a vanilla bean chai tea latte from McDonalds. The goal is to workout each day for a minimum of 10 minutes. Going for a walk, doing my aerobic workout or getting on my gazelle.

I hoe that there are people in my life who will encourage me and help me strive to meet this one simple goal.

This is my life

This is my life, what I do or do nor do has no bearing on who you are or your opinion of my life.  My failures and successes are mine and mine alone. You are not part of equation. My decisions on my last wishes, are just that, MINE.

There are so many things going on I in my life that I need to learn to let things go, make certain that things no longer bother, let go of things that have negative impacts on my life. I need to stand up, shout to the world that no one and nothing will affect that are of no consequence to my life.

Tomorrow I begin my daily walk again, get out no matter how much pain I feel, no matter how exhausted I feel, I will get out for a walk each day. I am determined, I am woman, hear me roar.

Fallen off the wagon

I have become complacent lately, with the horrible weather causing my body to ache so much so that working out is the last thing I want to do. But, it looks as if Spring has finally arrived in Nova Scotia and I can get out for a walk each day. I am looking forward to the beautiful glden sun beating down on me.

I have also recently had a birthday. Thirty nine this year, not quite certain how I got to this age but 39 I am. I didn’t do any thing special, went to the grocery store and had chicken for supper, truly nothing exciting. But, I did realize that my age has truly nothing to do with my actual age. There are days when I feel closer to 90 than I do 40.

My body feels like it is breaking down bit by bit. I am hoping that once I get back into my routine of walking and working out, that I will start to feel better. Now that the good weather is here, I will be able to get out and just walk. Walk until I feel like I am going to fall down and then turn around and come home.

I also need to get back to a good eating routine, instead of eating only at supper time and then having popcorn later on. It is very difficult for me to eat since I have troubles with swallowing food but, that is a topic I already covered in a previous post.

Goal Setting

I have spent the last few days trying to come up with a good topic to blog about and I have decided that goal setting is the one I want to talk about today. It is important that when you are working on changing your lifestyle, trying to be healthier and even losing weight, that you set goals.  They need to be realistic and attainable.  For me, I have a few important goals that I have set.

My first, and most important goal that I set was quitting smoking.  I have heard many people say “oh it is easy to quit smoking, just don’t buy any.”  Great advice but most of those people do not smoke, therefore do not understand how hard it is to quit.  It is a physical and mental addiction.  The chemicals change the way your brain works, so your brain is constantly screaming “I NEED NICOTINE”.  The first week of not smoking is pure, unadulterated hell.  It is like having the flu but a thousand times worse.  I am at day 14 except for 1 week ago I had 2 cigarettes.  Why, I have no idea because I was doing okay without smoking.  I will beat this addiction.  It is a choice that I do not purchase cigarettes, it is my choice not to smoke, it is my choice to go through hell to get rid of this addiction.

My second goal is to get my weight down to 299.  A lot of people would not be surprised to learn that I weight 320 lbs.  It is one ugly number.  I just gave up when I hit the 300 mark.  I just didn’t care any longer.  Only those that are obese like I am, were willing to spend time with me, be seen with me in public and even then it was at a buffet for lunch.  I weighed 342 lbs at my absolute heaviest and now I am fighting back.  I will get down to 299.  That is my first weight loss goal and I want to accomplish it by September 1st, 2014.

My third goal, my second weight loss goal, is to get down to 250 lbs.  This goal is important, or more important than the first weight loss goal.  It is the goal that I will reach and purchase new clothing.  Maybe a nice pair of jeans to show off my ass.  A new dress and high heels.  Anything to show that I have reached a goal that I did not think I would ever see again.  This goal is to be met by December 31st 2014.  Chances are that once I have the weight loss surgery this goal will be met way before then but it is a realistic enough goal that I know I can and will reach it. 

My fourth goal, third weight loss goal, is to get down to 199 lbs.  What a day that will be.  I will celebrate with having a tea party with my closest friends, and only those close friends that have been my support system throughout this changes I am, will and have made.  I look forward to this day.  It will be a day no one will ever forget.  Again, this goal I want to attain by my birthday, April 8th, 2015.

I have done this blog entry because it is important for people to know what my goals, by having them put on “paper”, I am being held accountable for everything I do to meet these goals.  I am well on my way to reaching two of the goals.  Quitting smoking, and my first weight loss goal.  What a great moment in my life it will be when I reach each of these goals.  I look forward to seeing people who have not seen me in a long time, actually see me and know that I have made changes and am doing everything in my power to make these changes permanent.

Battling the Mental Part of Addictions

I have mentioned many times that I am fighting my addictions, carbs, nicotine, artificial sweetener, caffeine.  Take your pick, they are all my addictions, my crutches,my go to emotional and mental fixes.  When I am happy, when I am sad, I go for a plate of toast, I reach for my biggest mug and make a huge cup of tea or coffee with sweetener, I smoke cigarettes.   I am an addict.

I am fighting the mental part of my addictions right now.  The physical part is easy because as long as I don’t have carbs or cigarettes or caffeinated beverages or sweetener in the cupboard/fridge, I can’t eat, drink or smoke them.  The physical part is so much harder to deal with.  Lying in bed, reading and I roll over, reach out to grab a smoke and realize there are none there.  I wake up in the morning, yawning and needing a quick hit of caffeine, open the cupboard and there is nothing there except for decaf or no caffeine beverages. 

My mind keeps playing tricks on me, telling me I need bread, I need a cigarette, I need a tea or coffee, I need sweetness.  My body is telling me, “Damn it, NO.  You are no longer using those as crutches.  Go for a walk, have a glass of ice water. Do something besides breaking down and having that.”.  So far, I have been able to fight back and not give in.  However, to be totally honest, which I always strive to be, I did break down and have a couple of cigarettes the other day.  But, being strong, I did NOT buy any yesterday or today when I had money in my pocket.  

I look forward to the day when I can say that I no longer have any active addictions or crutches to deal with emotional and mental issues, whether they are good or bad.  One day, I will stand and say with a strong voice “Hi, my name is Elizabeth.  I have fought hard from being super obese to what I am today. I have fought my addictions and I no longer use caffeine, nicotine, carbs or sweetener to handle my emotions or mental breakdowns.”  Oh what a wonderful day that will be.